Just for you

Being decidedly lacking in any interesting thoughts of late, I thought I would give you a bunch of quotations to either inspire you, make you laugh, or make you die in disappointment at how rubbish they are. Try not to make a mess.

1) "Cats don't have opposable thumbs - incidentally, this is why they can't flush the loo."

2) "It is necessary only for the good of man to do nothing for evil to triumph."

3) "All roads lead to McDonalds."

4) "Why do you think the SAS are based at Hereford? Is it so they can catch the Welsh crossing the border?"

5) "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

6) "My dad always used to say, 'If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You have nothing to lose.'"

7) "When you reach for the stars, you may not get one, but you won't come up with a hand full of mud, either."

8) "Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards."

9) "Given Amy Winehouse's drugs problems, it is a delicious irony that her debut album was entitled, 'Frank'."

10) "Everything worth doing can be done better from a place of relaxation."

11) Hearing Aid + Normal Hearing = Superhuman Sonar Man.

12) "If God really wanted us to believe in him, he'd exist."

13) "Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless it's arson, in which case it's probably best hot."

14) "DFS would make more money advertising when their sale starts than when it ends."

15) If you've ever yearned to see the mixture of confusion, suspicion and fear which gripped people when electricity was demonstrated for the first time, simply watch how the Jeremy Kyle audience reacts when a guest mentions the internet.