Joke #THE LAST!

It seem to me that almost every day its reported that a British soldier or two has been killed in action. I know it's very tragic, but some of the quotes from family members are just stupid.

There was one mother on, saying that, "she never dreamed her son would be killed when he joined the army." Sorry, but that's just too naive - he is a soldier - part of his job is that people try to kill him.

It's a bit like when people come on telly after a child abuse conviction saying "I never would have thought that my son would abuse young boys like that." No? Well what did you think he was up to when he became a priest?___________________________________________________

The final joke, and it wasn't even a good one. Ah, well. At least it mocked the Catholics.

Joke #30

Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.
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Only one more. Ah, I can taste the freedom.

Joke #29

I was walking along the road when I saw a man who had no feet. I went over and kicked the shit out of him.

It's because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
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Only two more, and then I am free from the ties that are binding me, the spell will be broken, and finally I will be able to enter Uzbekistan again.

Joke #28

What has five million legs and weighs 30 pounds?

The population of Somalia.
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Incidentally, there's only three more of these damn things left to go. Yay!

Joke #27

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Joke #26

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day.

Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Joke #25

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Shut down by the RSPCA, apparently.

Joke #24

A man takes his cross-eyed dog to the vet. The vet picks him up and examines him for a while and the vet says "I'm going to have to put this dog down."

"What? Because he is cross-eyed?" replies the man, clearly shocked.

"No, because he is getting heavy."

Joke #23

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

I am the Stig

In the current media-frenzy about Top Gear's tame racing driver, and seeing as my number of readers about equals that of the Hurdy Gurdy Times, I thought that I would reveal my secret:

Not only am I the Stig...I'm also the reasonably priced car. That's right, every Wednesday that Top Gear is filmed I fly down to Guildford, transform into a Cheverolet Lacetti, and sometimes 'accidentally' make a wheel fall off. Lionel Richie should have listened to my demo. That showed him.

Anyway, I'm just glad I can finally get this off my cold, hard, metallic chest. Please don't treat me any differently because I sometimes wear a helmet.

Joke #22

Pythagoras' theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

Joke #21

Did you hear about the new emo website?

www.emo.com/wrists

Joke #20

Be honest, how many of you out there were only watching the inauguration to see if he gets shot?

Joke #19

I played a game of blow-football with my nephew yesterday. Sadly he had an asthma attack half way through.

Still... 10-0!

Joke #18

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an reassuring internal voice say, "Don't worry, Dave. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be the last. Plus you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering, "Dave, you're a fucking vet."

Joke #17

Apparently Jade wants to donate her organs to allow other families to have their lives changed.They will be delivered to them in "Goody bags".

Joke #16

A priest, a paedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar...

He orders a drink.

Blame my teacher. He made me think.

My captive audience is literally that: captive. They are forced, day in, day out, to read my mindless ramblings and satisfy my ego. However, there are you precious few out there who read my blog not through compulsion, but for some other reason. Quite what, I can't fathom, but I'm grateful all the same.

In an effort to keep you here, and to keep them sane, I am going to deviate from the current trend and write something that is not a lame joke. Something heartfelt, thought-through and, hopefully, thought provoking. I'm going to talk about a duck. Let's call him Jim, after the famous duck-hunter Jim 'hunts-the-ducks' Brethaupt. He was paid to hunt the elusive and dangerous duck, to protect his home nation of Blorffonia. He flew out to the home of the ducks, not knowing whether he would return to see his wife and 2 children ever again. However, he was happy enough, because his country paid for appropriate equipment to keep him safe.

But then, back in Blorffonia, the Prime Minister saw that the MHS (the Mediocre Health Service) was getting into a bit of debt, and so he decided to cut Jim's budget a bit. Just a little, here and there, and no-one thought it would make much of a difference. Unfortunately, the MHS progressed further into debt, and so Jim's budget was cut further, and he couldn't afford the necessary equipment to protect him from the ducks. Eventually, Jim was flown at by a particularly brave duck, fell into a vat of toxic gunk and died shortly before turning into Anne Widdecombe.

Now, obviously, this is not a real situation (or at least that's what the papers say). However, if you change a few words, it does become real. Such as 'and.' Or '2.' My politics teacher said that money was taken away from the forces to give to the NHS justly. After all, it was another way of saving lives, yes?

Alas, no, it is not. The difference is that the chaps in Afghanistan and Iraq are putting themselves in dangerous situations so that we can sleep soundly at night. And yet we don't pay for the equipment that saves their lives. They join up knowing that they might not live, but that doesn't mean that their deaths are acceptable. I love the NHS, and think it is something that the UK should be immensely proud of. But giving it money instead of the forces is not just a different way of saving lives. It's border-line criminal.

Oh, and these damn jokes are ending soon. Perhaps I'll do a countdown. There's something to look forward to, eh?

Joke #15

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubblewrap.

The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''

Joke #14

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

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Joke #13

A British reporter approached Paris Hilton and asked- "Miss Hilton- are you from France?"

Bemused, she replied "No? Why do you assume that, is it because I'm called Paris?"

"No," the reporter replied, " It's because you are ugly, you stink and no-one likes you."

Joke #12

Police have admitted they were wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menezes.

It turns out they were after his naughty brother Dennis.

SiC

I'll admit it. Rather than grace you with my usual wise and intelligent thoughts, which I know you love, I have been using my 'offend the nation' campaign as a front for the fact that I have become lazy. And so, to ease myself back in to the process of impressing you with my genius, I will share with you something that I realised this morning. The password that I am using at the moment for general things is entirely based on a chemical. Not just any chemical, though. My favourite chemical.

This worries me slightly. It can't be healthy to have a 'favourite chemical.' That's just a little bit too odd.

If you have any unusual favourites, please write them in. Unless they're really boring. In which case: that's my job, sod off.

p.s. The title isn't it. It's just a chemical that is in my mind lately. This, also, is probably bad.

Joke #11

I met this girl in the pub last night and found we had several interests in common, like 'My Chemical Romance,' for example.

Or Rohypnol, as some might call it.

Joke #10

A little boy runs up to his mother, saying "Mummy, Mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"

His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".

The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "Mummy, Mummy! Why am I called Petal?"

The mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".

The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.

The mother says: "shut up, Fridge".

Joke #9

What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?

Hitler tried to finish the race.

Joke #8

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Joke #7

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

Joke #6

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Joke #5

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake.

Joke #4

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture.

Joke #3

What's a blackbird's mating cry?

"Stick it in me, Leeroy."

Joke #2

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill.

Joke #1

A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states, "well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about 9 months time."
"Am I pregnant? That's wonderful!"
"No, you have bowel cancer."