Old Man

Something hugely depressing happened today. I was walking through a Marks and Spencer, and actually thought, "that's nice."

Now I'm sure that M & S have been trying to make their image a bit younger, because having an average buyer age of 175 is not very good for business, but this is not good. I wish I wasn't an old man. It's just weird.

In fact, even worse, I already own a T-shirt and pair of shorts from there. And I'd still wear them if the weather was right.

It wasn't like this in my day.

The Facebook Fury

One of the world's most popular internet sites has caused outrage recently by attempting to alter their terms of use in a way that could harm the rights of users. It's now time for me to stick my nose in.

Facebook users across the world: shut up.

You have the option of not using the site. It is up to the operators of the website what their terms of use will be. If you don't like it, then leave, now, before they come into use. That's why they are there for you to read. In the same way that if you find a television programme not to your liking you change channel, stop using Facebook.

The problem here is not the human rights infringements, it's that people want to have everything and are now having a tantrum when they can't. As a user of Facebook, I am quite glad that they have decided for the moment to drop the change in their terms, but when it comes back into existence (and it probably will), it is up to me to decide whether to stick with the website, and if I decide that I don't like what would be happening with my information, then I shall leave. Without causing a lot of bother over nothing.

I have returned. I'm sure you missed me hugely.

If you were going on holiday, you'd want to start it with something great, wouldn't you? Perhaps you win the lottery, or get engaged, or are told you are clear of cancer. Well, I don't play the lottery, have nobody to propose to and don't have cancer, so those options weren't available to me. You'll never guess what I did instead. I (this bit's great). I got tonsilitis. YAY!

Or maybe not.

Flew out on Saturday (up at 4.45, groan) with a sore throat, assumed it was tiredness. Still there Sunday morning, self-diagnosed with tonsilities. But of course, in France, nowhere is open on a Sunday. So that's two days where it hurt to swallow, and I like to do that a lot. Plus, I had to stay inside to try to control my temperature, which wasn't that great. And I was still shivering.

But then, on Monday, we went to see a lovely French doctor who spoke very good English (thank God) and gave me a load of pills. One of which gave me a nosebleed on the drive home.

Despite all this, I actually quite enjoyed my French holiday. No Frenchman caused me to shoot at, and I generally remembered to speak in French (it wasn't that I forgot to speak foreign, that was easy, it's just that if I'm speaking foreign, I instinctively assume it means German, which doesn't always go down well).

Plus I got to drive a tractor-mower (before the tonsilitis revealed itself), which is great fun. And then, to top it all off, my Dad is going to take me driving on real public roads during his lunch break. I have wanted to do this since I was about 4. Yays all round, I think. Now just to do the train journey back without any bleeding, and I'll be a very happy chappy. Wish me luck.

Damn French

Ladies and gentlemen, I beg forgiveness, for I have gone to France.

Now that I've got the essential France-ist bit over, I can be really excited and look forward to it, like a small child that's had Christmas, Easter, their birthday and a trip to meet the Queen all fall on the same day.

And now that that's over, I can get to what I actually want to talk about. This. For a start, it's just creepy. Secondly, why did he do her, she's not exactly a looker? Finally, and most importantly, what in the name of all that is holy is a 12 year old doing having sex? He looks like a reasonably nice young chap, all innocent and so on. He shouldn't know what to do, where to stick what and so on.

This is the reason that I am against the promiscuous society that Britain is turning into. I'm not that bothered about the religious aspect, and the morality of it doesn't really concern me - if it makes you happy and doesn't affect others, do it, is my thinking - but when you are entering into something like this at an age when you cannot possibly understand the consequences, something has to be done.

Now I don't necessarily think that starting sex ed. at the age of 6 is appropriate either, but there has to be something put in place to prevent situations such as this from occurring more and more frequently. And, for once, other than further sex ed. or locking up the children, I have no ideas, controversial, ridiculous or otherwise.

Other than to blame it on the French, of course.

If you have a plan to stop Britain from becoming really, really creepy, please comment and pass it on. If not, to be quite honest, you suck.

p.s. perhaps that would be a solution *wink* *wink*

p.p.s. sorry for being a bit pervy/disgusting there. But I couldn't resist.

Earth troubles

I have realised what is going on. The snow that has fallen on the UK recently, causing the country to grind to a halt, was not just a weather pattern passing through. It is the beginning of an alien invasion. In each of the 'snowflakes' that falls, a tiny alien particle is carried. These then melt, and as they flow into the drainage network, the particles combine to form an alien race.

For some reason, the aliens decided that the UK would be the perfect target but, hey you can't be geniuses all of the time.

Whatever their deluded reasoning, we must fight! All willing volunteers are required to put themselves forward (utilising the cunning 'comments' box), and they shall be equipped with a black suit, some sunglasses, either a really old black car or a fantastic new Mercedes, a talking dog and a flashy light. And no one will ever have known that you existed.

Step forward, brave humans. Fight for your nation. Lose your finger-prints. Get a head-set for your mobile phone!

And remember. If I am gone by the time you reach me, the aliens got here first. I have discovered their weakness, though. If you see a little person running towards you, kick him in the nadgers. They will either evaporate and die, or you'll have a very angry midget lying on the floor, screaming. It's a risk you have to take. Good luck and Godspeed.

Paraplegic Protests

Jeremy Clarkson has once again put his foot in his mouth by supposedly being mean to Gordon Brown because of his disability (he has a glass eye). I disagree. What Clarkson actually said was, "we’ve got this one-eyed Scottish idiot, he keeps telling us everything’s fine and he’s saved the world and we know he’s lying, but he’s smooth at telling us.”

I know that I may well not be the most sensitive of folk to roam the world, but that's not that bad. He is a one-eyed Scot; it's not an insult, purely a matter of fact. And whether he is an idiot or not is a matter of opinion. However, throughout all of this, my favourite bit is the comment that one man made on the matter:

"Labour Scottish minister Lord Foulkes added: “It is an absolute outrage of the worst kind. Disabled people will be up in arms.”"

What an unfortunate use of words. I don't think they'll be getting up for anything.