A Tribute v2.0

In run-down Liverpool born and raised
On the train tracks was where I spent most of my days
Stealing hub-caps, relaxin' all cool
And climbing on trains outside the school
When a couple of powerlines
Who were up to no good
Startin making electricity in my neighbourhood
I grabbed one little cable and my friends got scared
They said 'You're a fucking moron Liam, you're going to fry in the air!'

I think I might make this a feature. Next time someone dies, that I know/care/can be bothered about, check here for a Fresh Prince related tribute.

Holidays

Seeing as my last blog post was in April, it is not a fair leap to imagine that something has happened to cause me to reignite my passion with blogging and open my heart to the internet once more. And you would be right. I've gone on holiday.

However, I know what you think I mean: "oh, he's on holiday and already he is bored. He he he." Well, actually, no, that is not it. This holiday I have found myself a job, my first venture into the world of regular employment, and it has just confirmed how crappy that is going to be.

I am going to be working the entire holiday with just a couple of days off, either mornings or afternoons, starting on Monday (tomorrow). So my 'holiday' is not really one. With those time constraints I then have to have a holiday (as in relax, and hopefully go and do a couple of holiday type things as well), hopefully do some meeting up with those people that I like to call my 'friends,' and do the majority of my Extended Project research, of which I don't really have a real idea quite what I am going to do. Plus I have to worry about AS level results and, whatever happens, swing in to action so that I am ready to go with UCAS in September.

I think I'm going to be quite busy this holiday. And possibly not that relaxed :(

On a more positive note, I'm going to go eat some Cheerios. Bye guys.

A Tribute

To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air:

South-east England born and raised
On reality TV spending most of my days
Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool
And being disgusting, Fuck the gene pool
When a couple of cells
Who were up to no good
Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood
I got one little lump and my doctors got scared
They said 'we are putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!'

Any additions, please comment.

The Hospital

I am in the midsts of a programme on Channel 4 called 'The Hospital.' It is terrifying. 

This episode has been about the plague of teenage pregnancies that is consuming the NHS, and those are carefully chosen words. An example:

Midwife: Did you use contraception?

Pregnant teen: No

M: Did you think you'd get pregnant?

P: No.

...Right.

People are becoming pregnant because they want to be loved, or because they feel like it, or because they are simply not capable of swallowing a pill, or putting on a condom (it's not just the women who are to blame). 

Teenage pregnancies are always classified as high-risk, and thus are always attended to by a consultant. Ante-natal care for teenage mothers costs somewhere around £10,000 - £15,000.

But, oddly enough for me, the main beef that I have with teenage pregnancies is not the financial implications. It is a social one (shock! horror!). I'm sure that some of these people are in positions where they can take care of a child, but the majority of them seem to be immature, spoilt fools who are blissfully unaware of the implications of pregnancy and parenthood. This is a decision which is going to affect not only them but, more importantly, their child. 

I'm sure that there is a large number of children who have been raised superbly by teenage parents, but I'm also sure that there is an even larger number who will be victims of social deprivation and end up on a council estate, drop out of school, and probably end up with a baby before they turn 20. 

Teenage pregnancy is a serious problem. I have a sneaking suspicion I have written about it in the past, but it is an issue deserving attention. What to do, I cannot think. Perhaps show them this programme; it's certainly made sure I'm not going to be a teenage parent. It is one of the most stupid things to do that I can think of. 

A message to all you out there thinking about having a baby, or having unprotected sex, or even having sex at all:

For the love of God, think twice.

Johnny Saves the Day!

I can see where the Pope is coming from. He claims that complete abstinence is the best way to prevent transmission of AIDS, because then there is no medium for the virus to be transmitted. This seems perfectly sensible and logical.

However, there is a problem. Humans are not completely rational, and no matter how hard they try, they will give in to their primeval carnal desires. And when this happens, if they have been practising abstinence, they're stuffed. On the other hand, if they have been using a condom and having sex, then whilst they have been in risk of getting AIDS all along, condoms really are quite effective, and certainly are more effective than a night of unplanned sex that ends up with your blood infected and your inmmune system up the swanney.

Condoms save lives. As soon as the Catholic Church realises this, the better.

A Torn Man

I am, as the title suggests, a torn man. I cannot stand what that group of Muslim protestors did, and think it a gross miscarriage of justice that they are allowed to stand there and hurl abuse at the men and women who have been off to Iraq and Afghanistan to fight for us.

However, I also think it is absolutely wonderful that they are allowed to. This is, after all, one of the reasons that Anglian Regiment were out in a war-zone, so that people were free to voice their opinions without fear of repurcussions.

Modern Britain does not have a lot going for it. The NHS, and that's about it, really. But the fact that these people were allowed to victimise a group of people based purely on their occupation actually makes me a little bit proud to call myself British. I normally support the forces instinctively (although not blindly), and I do so here, but I would like to call anyone who has called for protestors like them to be banned from parades and so on a naive and moronic pillock. 

Old Man

Something hugely depressing happened today. I was walking through a Marks and Spencer, and actually thought, "that's nice."

Now I'm sure that M & S have been trying to make their image a bit younger, because having an average buyer age of 175 is not very good for business, but this is not good. I wish I wasn't an old man. It's just weird.

In fact, even worse, I already own a T-shirt and pair of shorts from there. And I'd still wear them if the weather was right.

It wasn't like this in my day.

The Facebook Fury

One of the world's most popular internet sites has caused outrage recently by attempting to alter their terms of use in a way that could harm the rights of users. It's now time for me to stick my nose in.

Facebook users across the world: shut up.

You have the option of not using the site. It is up to the operators of the website what their terms of use will be. If you don't like it, then leave, now, before they come into use. That's why they are there for you to read. In the same way that if you find a television programme not to your liking you change channel, stop using Facebook.

The problem here is not the human rights infringements, it's that people want to have everything and are now having a tantrum when they can't. As a user of Facebook, I am quite glad that they have decided for the moment to drop the change in their terms, but when it comes back into existence (and it probably will), it is up to me to decide whether to stick with the website, and if I decide that I don't like what would be happening with my information, then I shall leave. Without causing a lot of bother over nothing.

I have returned. I'm sure you missed me hugely.

If you were going on holiday, you'd want to start it with something great, wouldn't you? Perhaps you win the lottery, or get engaged, or are told you are clear of cancer. Well, I don't play the lottery, have nobody to propose to and don't have cancer, so those options weren't available to me. You'll never guess what I did instead. I (this bit's great). I got tonsilitis. YAY!

Or maybe not.

Flew out on Saturday (up at 4.45, groan) with a sore throat, assumed it was tiredness. Still there Sunday morning, self-diagnosed with tonsilities. But of course, in France, nowhere is open on a Sunday. So that's two days where it hurt to swallow, and I like to do that a lot. Plus, I had to stay inside to try to control my temperature, which wasn't that great. And I was still shivering.

But then, on Monday, we went to see a lovely French doctor who spoke very good English (thank God) and gave me a load of pills. One of which gave me a nosebleed on the drive home.

Despite all this, I actually quite enjoyed my French holiday. No Frenchman caused me to shoot at, and I generally remembered to speak in French (it wasn't that I forgot to speak foreign, that was easy, it's just that if I'm speaking foreign, I instinctively assume it means German, which doesn't always go down well).

Plus I got to drive a tractor-mower (before the tonsilitis revealed itself), which is great fun. And then, to top it all off, my Dad is going to take me driving on real public roads during his lunch break. I have wanted to do this since I was about 4. Yays all round, I think. Now just to do the train journey back without any bleeding, and I'll be a very happy chappy. Wish me luck.

Damn French

Ladies and gentlemen, I beg forgiveness, for I have gone to France.

Now that I've got the essential France-ist bit over, I can be really excited and look forward to it, like a small child that's had Christmas, Easter, their birthday and a trip to meet the Queen all fall on the same day.

And now that that's over, I can get to what I actually want to talk about. This. For a start, it's just creepy. Secondly, why did he do her, she's not exactly a looker? Finally, and most importantly, what in the name of all that is holy is a 12 year old doing having sex? He looks like a reasonably nice young chap, all innocent and so on. He shouldn't know what to do, where to stick what and so on.

This is the reason that I am against the promiscuous society that Britain is turning into. I'm not that bothered about the religious aspect, and the morality of it doesn't really concern me - if it makes you happy and doesn't affect others, do it, is my thinking - but when you are entering into something like this at an age when you cannot possibly understand the consequences, something has to be done.

Now I don't necessarily think that starting sex ed. at the age of 6 is appropriate either, but there has to be something put in place to prevent situations such as this from occurring more and more frequently. And, for once, other than further sex ed. or locking up the children, I have no ideas, controversial, ridiculous or otherwise.

Other than to blame it on the French, of course.

If you have a plan to stop Britain from becoming really, really creepy, please comment and pass it on. If not, to be quite honest, you suck.

p.s. perhaps that would be a solution *wink* *wink*

p.p.s. sorry for being a bit pervy/disgusting there. But I couldn't resist.

Earth troubles

I have realised what is going on. The snow that has fallen on the UK recently, causing the country to grind to a halt, was not just a weather pattern passing through. It is the beginning of an alien invasion. In each of the 'snowflakes' that falls, a tiny alien particle is carried. These then melt, and as they flow into the drainage network, the particles combine to form an alien race.

For some reason, the aliens decided that the UK would be the perfect target but, hey you can't be geniuses all of the time.

Whatever their deluded reasoning, we must fight! All willing volunteers are required to put themselves forward (utilising the cunning 'comments' box), and they shall be equipped with a black suit, some sunglasses, either a really old black car or a fantastic new Mercedes, a talking dog and a flashy light. And no one will ever have known that you existed.

Step forward, brave humans. Fight for your nation. Lose your finger-prints. Get a head-set for your mobile phone!

And remember. If I am gone by the time you reach me, the aliens got here first. I have discovered their weakness, though. If you see a little person running towards you, kick him in the nadgers. They will either evaporate and die, or you'll have a very angry midget lying on the floor, screaming. It's a risk you have to take. Good luck and Godspeed.

Paraplegic Protests

Jeremy Clarkson has once again put his foot in his mouth by supposedly being mean to Gordon Brown because of his disability (he has a glass eye). I disagree. What Clarkson actually said was, "we’ve got this one-eyed Scottish idiot, he keeps telling us everything’s fine and he’s saved the world and we know he’s lying, but he’s smooth at telling us.”

I know that I may well not be the most sensitive of folk to roam the world, but that's not that bad. He is a one-eyed Scot; it's not an insult, purely a matter of fact. And whether he is an idiot or not is a matter of opinion. However, throughout all of this, my favourite bit is the comment that one man made on the matter:

"Labour Scottish minister Lord Foulkes added: “It is an absolute outrage of the worst kind. Disabled people will be up in arms.”"

What an unfortunate use of words. I don't think they'll be getting up for anything.

Joke #THE LAST!

It seem to me that almost every day its reported that a British soldier or two has been killed in action. I know it's very tragic, but some of the quotes from family members are just stupid.

There was one mother on, saying that, "she never dreamed her son would be killed when he joined the army." Sorry, but that's just too naive - he is a soldier - part of his job is that people try to kill him.

It's a bit like when people come on telly after a child abuse conviction saying "I never would have thought that my son would abuse young boys like that." No? Well what did you think he was up to when he became a priest?___________________________________________________

The final joke, and it wasn't even a good one. Ah, well. At least it mocked the Catholics.

Joke #30

Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.
___________________________________________________
Only one more. Ah, I can taste the freedom.

Joke #29

I was walking along the road when I saw a man who had no feet. I went over and kicked the shit out of him.

It's because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
___________________________________________________
Only two more, and then I am free from the ties that are binding me, the spell will be broken, and finally I will be able to enter Uzbekistan again.

Joke #28

What has five million legs and weighs 30 pounds?

The population of Somalia.
___________________________________________________

Incidentally, there's only three more of these damn things left to go. Yay!

Joke #27

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Joke #26

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day.

Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Joke #25

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Shut down by the RSPCA, apparently.

Joke #24

A man takes his cross-eyed dog to the vet. The vet picks him up and examines him for a while and the vet says "I'm going to have to put this dog down."

"What? Because he is cross-eyed?" replies the man, clearly shocked.

"No, because he is getting heavy."

Joke #23

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

I am the Stig

In the current media-frenzy about Top Gear's tame racing driver, and seeing as my number of readers about equals that of the Hurdy Gurdy Times, I thought that I would reveal my secret:

Not only am I the Stig...I'm also the reasonably priced car. That's right, every Wednesday that Top Gear is filmed I fly down to Guildford, transform into a Cheverolet Lacetti, and sometimes 'accidentally' make a wheel fall off. Lionel Richie should have listened to my demo. That showed him.

Anyway, I'm just glad I can finally get this off my cold, hard, metallic chest. Please don't treat me any differently because I sometimes wear a helmet.

Joke #22

Pythagoras' theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

Joke #21

Did you hear about the new emo website?

www.emo.com/wrists

Joke #20

Be honest, how many of you out there were only watching the inauguration to see if he gets shot?

Joke #19

I played a game of blow-football with my nephew yesterday. Sadly he had an asthma attack half way through.

Still... 10-0!

Joke #18

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an reassuring internal voice say, "Don't worry, Dave. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be the last. Plus you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering, "Dave, you're a fucking vet."

Joke #17

Apparently Jade wants to donate her organs to allow other families to have their lives changed.They will be delivered to them in "Goody bags".

Joke #16

A priest, a paedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar...

He orders a drink.

Blame my teacher. He made me think.

My captive audience is literally that: captive. They are forced, day in, day out, to read my mindless ramblings and satisfy my ego. However, there are you precious few out there who read my blog not through compulsion, but for some other reason. Quite what, I can't fathom, but I'm grateful all the same.

In an effort to keep you here, and to keep them sane, I am going to deviate from the current trend and write something that is not a lame joke. Something heartfelt, thought-through and, hopefully, thought provoking. I'm going to talk about a duck. Let's call him Jim, after the famous duck-hunter Jim 'hunts-the-ducks' Brethaupt. He was paid to hunt the elusive and dangerous duck, to protect his home nation of Blorffonia. He flew out to the home of the ducks, not knowing whether he would return to see his wife and 2 children ever again. However, he was happy enough, because his country paid for appropriate equipment to keep him safe.

But then, back in Blorffonia, the Prime Minister saw that the MHS (the Mediocre Health Service) was getting into a bit of debt, and so he decided to cut Jim's budget a bit. Just a little, here and there, and no-one thought it would make much of a difference. Unfortunately, the MHS progressed further into debt, and so Jim's budget was cut further, and he couldn't afford the necessary equipment to protect him from the ducks. Eventually, Jim was flown at by a particularly brave duck, fell into a vat of toxic gunk and died shortly before turning into Anne Widdecombe.

Now, obviously, this is not a real situation (or at least that's what the papers say). However, if you change a few words, it does become real. Such as 'and.' Or '2.' My politics teacher said that money was taken away from the forces to give to the NHS justly. After all, it was another way of saving lives, yes?

Alas, no, it is not. The difference is that the chaps in Afghanistan and Iraq are putting themselves in dangerous situations so that we can sleep soundly at night. And yet we don't pay for the equipment that saves their lives. They join up knowing that they might not live, but that doesn't mean that their deaths are acceptable. I love the NHS, and think it is something that the UK should be immensely proud of. But giving it money instead of the forces is not just a different way of saving lives. It's border-line criminal.

Oh, and these damn jokes are ending soon. Perhaps I'll do a countdown. There's something to look forward to, eh?

Joke #15

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubblewrap.

The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''

Joke #14

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

1024×768.

Joke #13

A British reporter approached Paris Hilton and asked- "Miss Hilton- are you from France?"

Bemused, she replied "No? Why do you assume that, is it because I'm called Paris?"

"No," the reporter replied, " It's because you are ugly, you stink and no-one likes you."

Joke #12

Police have admitted they were wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menezes.

It turns out they were after his naughty brother Dennis.

SiC

I'll admit it. Rather than grace you with my usual wise and intelligent thoughts, which I know you love, I have been using my 'offend the nation' campaign as a front for the fact that I have become lazy. And so, to ease myself back in to the process of impressing you with my genius, I will share with you something that I realised this morning. The password that I am using at the moment for general things is entirely based on a chemical. Not just any chemical, though. My favourite chemical.

This worries me slightly. It can't be healthy to have a 'favourite chemical.' That's just a little bit too odd.

If you have any unusual favourites, please write them in. Unless they're really boring. In which case: that's my job, sod off.

p.s. The title isn't it. It's just a chemical that is in my mind lately. This, also, is probably bad.

Joke #11

I met this girl in the pub last night and found we had several interests in common, like 'My Chemical Romance,' for example.

Or Rohypnol, as some might call it.

Joke #10

A little boy runs up to his mother, saying "Mummy, Mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"

His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".

The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "Mummy, Mummy! Why am I called Petal?"

The mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".

The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.

The mother says: "shut up, Fridge".

Joke #9

What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?

Hitler tried to finish the race.

Joke #8

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Joke #7

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

Joke #6

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Joke #5

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake.

Joke #4

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture.

Joke #3

What's a blackbird's mating cry?

"Stick it in me, Leeroy."

Joke #2

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill.

Joke #1

A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states, "well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about 9 months time."
"Am I pregnant? That's wonderful!"
"No, you have bowel cancer."