Hnad eye co-odrinatoin.

Scientists have discovered a link between clumsiness and obesity.

I can destroy that theory with one simple fact: it's bollocks.

I have awful hand-eye coordination. This is partly because my eyes don't work properly and partly because I just happen to have bad hand-eye coordination. Despite this, I cannot be compared to a whale. I am a suitable weight for my age and height, am fairly healthy and intend to stay this way. All of this has been achieved whilst stepping nowhere near a sports fiield, gym or swimming pool. Do you want to know my secret? If not, tough. The reason behind my health is something that I like to call 'walking.' What you do is you put one leg in front of the other and move. It's not hard. I learnt to do it when I was just over a year old.

I also happen to have a walk that conserves energy. I am told that myself, my brother and my father all walk in the same way, a sort of march that fully utilises our leg lengths. And looks a bit odd.

In fact, I can happen to think of reasons for clumsy children to be even more healthy. When Average "Rarely-Stubs-His-Toe" Joe eats dinner, he eats normally and quickly, no problems. When Mr Clumsy eats dinner, it takes him ages to get the peas onto his fork, then he hits them into his cheek, so he has to get up and wash his face. He sits down and repeats. Curiously, he hasn't heard of a napkin.

I have a suggestion. The scientists who conducted this study were looking at the wrong thing. When they were observing how hard it was for a child to pick up matches and comparing this to how much of a porker they were, they should have been looking at the person's plate. This would give a much more simple reason for why they had a waistband the size of Borneo.