Programming...Failed.

'Embarassing Illnesses' is a programme on Channel 4 which features, rather surprisingly, people with embarassing illnesses. I find it quite interesting, which perhaps just goes to show what sort of a person I am, but I am always left wondering why people apply to be featured on this programme.

As far as I can tell, it isn't for money, as you don't get paid, and we have a superb state-funded healthcare system in England.

It also can't be for the outstanding treatment you receive, for your bog-standard, run-of-the-mill, corduroy GP could do exactly the same.

No, the reason, I have decided, is that people are so desparate to have their 15 minutes of fame that they will happily show their multi-coloured tongues or wonky John Thomas on national television. I think that this is a hugely sorry state of affairs.

I struggle to understand this perplexing desire, and it's not for want of trying. I simply cannot get why we are so wrapped up with the celeb culture. Piers Morgan is, supposedly, a celebrity, but that doesn't stop me from thinking that he is an untillegent cock who was probably the victim of a lot of buggery at public school, out of spite.

Even the Queen - she's just a lady who happens to be on some money and stamps.

The world will improve hugely when people realise that Victoria Beckham really is a stick, all footballers do is kick a bladder, Janet Street-Porter is a weird thing consisting mainly of teeth and a stupid surname, and Ben Affleck didn't really single-handedly save the world when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbour, in reality he jumped about for a bit next to a fan and then went and sat in a caravan. And I could have produced a more scintillating programme than Big Brother with a bucket of plasticine and a spoon.